To Lamictal, or not?

I have this vial of pills sitting in my kitchen, waiting for me to start them. And I just can't do it. My reasons for not taking them previously were different than they are now, but no less paralyzing. I think I just want someone to prove to me that I'm mentally ill, so that I can face all of the consequences which accrue from that. I feel as though society wants to have it both ways (and that, of course, is not fair).

Dorothy freaking Hamill is the latest depression confession (would you believe that I just thought of that? That is so freaking brilliant). She was on Larry King. I guess I want someone with mental illness that I can look up to (she's not quite it).

On another level, it would be so worth it. Still, I am so afraid. Of course, I had to go look up the profile. Headache, dizziness and insomnia are the side effects, with women more likely to get them. I already have all three of those.

All medication has ever done in the past is to make things more complicated. Nothing really ever changes for me. The very things you need just to keep up the treatment fall further from your grasp once you commit to it (oh, the irony).

My God, just take me out of this, already. Another irony; if I did start to develop the one fatal side effect, I don't think I'd ever report it. If I start on this s---, I'm going to start looking for the rash, and be pissed off if I don't get it. Watch it not take away my suicidal thoughts. That's typical. Not that I really want them taken away anyway. What else do I have? They are my only solace.

What would it be like for things not to get any better, and I start to feel better anyway? That's the essence of mood change. Nothing appreciably changes, but you stop caring. On the one hand, that's great. And in the short term, of course I'd take it. But there is nothing short term about medication.
I can't finish my thoughts now, because the insomnia has worn off. See how frustrating life is? Will I be less frustrated if I go on meds? Will I stop feeling so ashamed? You notice how no one actually promises these things.

Am I going to get in trouble if I link to Derrick Humphrey (Final Exit)'s site? See -- why do I always worry about that? What difference does it make? I pass people every day who live on the sidewalk. Like I'm too good to live like that. Maybe they'd rendition me to Albania, or wherever they're taking people. The point in life is to do the right thing, not to try to avoid the consequences. www.finalexitnetwork.org/  You can't confuse one with the other.

God -- the reason I can't sleep is that I'm thinking about all of the conflicts I'm going to have with folks today. Can't it be avoided? Why always the fights and arguments I always have with everyone? Isn't there something else? That's why I try to keep my mouth shut, except sometimes I can't help it. I have rights, too. That's what my mom says. I love her when she says that, except she doesn't say it enough.

Okay -- do you want some parent memories? I'm really not in the mood...Ken Burns' program brought enough of that back. I guess it can't be avoided (to answer my earlier question).

What am I going to do about school? Do I really want to spend three hours a day on it? It will be a bust, like last time. Assuming I get the approval for tuition reimbursement. Assuming. Life has taught me not to get my hopes up. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. There's a recommendation for continued existence. Barry had a well-meaning counselor who would actually say that to people in the courtroom as they awaited their sentencing hearings. Why not expect the best? That would empower prison inmates to better their lives. Do they want them not to get emotional in the courtroom?

I was going to delve into childhood. I don't think I'm in the mood. Some of the middle class memories aren't so bad. I don't know what poor people do. I really don't.

I do feel a little better. It's risky to feel better. You're never really safe. I'd settle for safety. Okay -- it's time to take a risk. Which one am I going to take today? Crap -- there are too many. Too many decisions to make. Now I'm overwhelmed again. I want to feel good about myself. That's what I want. That's my goal. Great. Now, how best to get it? I still don't know. I'm back where I started.

Time to go to bed, or go to work, or some danged thing. See you :)

Take it easy, but take it.