How Do You Get Through?

I was co-facilitating NAMI Connections yesterday, and a member of the group revealed suicidal feelings because of the deaths of two people close to him recently. Following the Facilitator procedure for handling "hot potatoes," I decided to "own" the issue by mentioning my own struggles with suicidal desires. Shaun wanted me to share how I had "dealt" with those feelings, meaning, how had I gotten through, or ended, them. Not really thinking, I endorsed Shaun's approach by responding with something generic (I usually try to find someone to talk to).

What I wish I had said is that one doesn't necessarily have to get through such feelings. Why can't I have the courage of my convictions? I don't think that anyone has the right to tell anyone else that they have to live until they die not of their own choosing. No one gets to say how much pain another person has to handle.

Shaun won't follow the "NAMI model," which is frustrating. I don't think that facilitators should just do whatever. And one of the other people who seems to have become a regular member doesn't even seem to have mental illness. He bothers me, because he keeps coming on to me. Thank goodness Valerie gave me some good advice about how to get him off of me. It's amazing that I don't have the skills to tell someone that they can't have my phone number, or that I don't want to go out with them. I should pose a question to the Connections monthly conference calls regarding people who come, and don't have mental illness. Obviously we can't ask. But he never mentions a diagnosis, or medication, or any treatment he receives, etc. All he talks about is how he was teased when he was 15.

The fact that I co-facilitate means that I only get two meetings a month at which to participate as a regular member. Yet, it seems that I am forever being asked to co-facilitate at that meeting, as well. I said "no," last time.

My cold kept me up half the night. I know I should take cough medicine, but I hate how it tastes. It is 7:30 a.m. now. It would be great to get started on my class.

Why do I want to read what I've written? Do I really have 182 views, or is that just spam? Edie is "featured" on Google Plus, whatever that exactly means. The point is that she has a lot of followers, despite her symptoms. She go, girl! I wish I knew her last name, so that I could find her. Maybe I will just Google "math adhd." Don't you love insomnia? It creates almost a state of euphoria. 

Where does John Daken live?

For some reason, John S. Daken, M.D., seems to think he lives at 7961 Eastern Ave, Silver Spring, Maryland, which also happens to be the address of the Silver Spring Drop-In Center (Affiliated Sante).

Filipp

So that's it -- someone comes into the office every day except Sunday, and you barely acknowledge him most days. Then you get an e-mail that he's suffered a brain aneurysm and lapsed into a coma for eight days. I mean, he's not going to just come back into the office.

I went to him for help with Commercial Detection (or whatever the hell it is) a week or so ago. He and Olivier were the two people who were kind to me with using Transcriber and figuring out the project. He has just kind and gentle eyes, although they always seem to be twinkling. He is one of the few people who isn't antagonistic, or with an ego. Vladimir looks absolutely broken.

I can do this

ITEC 640 starts up Sept. 10. All I need is a B. Really all I need is a C. But I've got something to prove.

It's easy: all I have to do is budget my time. And make sure that I can read one word after another without daydreaming. I have to team with other classmates, which is why I wish they would offer this in-class (instead of only online). Gotta' do a project during the semester. I'll be okay if I do what I need to do everyday, and not get depressed or freak out. I can do this.

I can get my (second) Master's degree. I can do it. I'm Kerri Strug.

Sept. 3 I view and print-out the syllabus, and make sure to memorize it -- my books should arrive by then. I'll be okay. I'll be more than okay. I'm a Kissel from Lithuania and Bessarabia, god damn it. Family of the eternal peasant spirit. And all while keeping my weight down.

I can't believe I met such cool people in 2100. David, and Deborah, and Chandler, and Stephanie, and Athena, and Alba and Carrie. I'm so amazed. Maybe it was a good thing after all?

Next challenge is to dye my hair. Do you think? I'd love to have it relaxed. I think I'm too lazy to keep it straightened -- I can't use those curled brushes. Maybe I should invest in a defuser. So lighter or straight, or both? Who knows? What good is it going to do me, anyway?

My money is gone until tomorrow, so I think I should invest in some serious clothing. What is that place that is on the tip of my tongue? Just about had an orgasm when I was there in Portland. Nice salesperson, too. If I could get assistance, that would be perfect. What's it?? It'll come. On Connecticut.

Oops, I forgot the Vitamin E this morning. This crazy doctor put me on 400 ius twice a day for two months. But he's right; the breast thing went away.

What am I going to do about Roger? Let it unfold? I kind of like it, but jeez, what a potential mess. On second thought, I kind of like that idea...what if his wife is very nice and long-suffering? Do I care? Anyway, I have to worry about myself. So it goes.

The changing business environment; or, How I Finally Learned to Love Big Business

I fear that this course, if not the overall degree program (me, a graduate student in IT??) will allow me to rationalize "selling out." Although what my company purveys is essentially trivial (entertainment consumption), I can see its direct connection to how the computer age has revolutionized consumer society. People can choose their media delivery in a way they could not in the past. I myself have several hundred channels through my television, "On Demand" and high speed internet.

And yet, at the same time, this provider has an unseen influence on the very customers who have greater consumption "power." I don't think the paradox will become evident in sufficient time for protections to come about (and I really don't know what form those protections would take anyway). My company is the research engine upon which its parent company seeks to achieve market dominance. Without our know-how, C_ would have limited potential to achieve venerability. I console myself that this is a good thing, as it allows C_'s customer base to achieve greater social (and perhaps political) autonomy through a different kind of consumption. They can participate in forums, develop personalized recommendations for movies (and have those recommendations become part of the product offering) and customize their viewing habits. So even though we are promoting greater complacency overall (my personal belief is that we should be out on the streets, demanding change, and not sitting at home indulging in masturbatory pursuits), the potential is still there for people to find their voice. Business has to respond to us, and we can sharpen our message. Maybe it isn't too much to hope that the consumer will eventually use this new power to collectivize (ah, my socialistic leanings!) opinion and mass action. Consumers of the world, unite!

Feeling Good

Do you remember that book checked out of the library in '98 that had all of the exercises? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, whatever? So it came up today. Changing mental distortions. I guess I need to buy it.

The premise is that one wants to feel good, but doesn't know how. That's not my problem. Mine is that I don't deserve to feel good. Different matter. But still a cognitive distortion, I suppose (one in and of itself). Its own form of complacency. I do really believe that. I conjure various rationalizations for why this is so, but at root, it is how I go about life. I can't allow myself to be fully (or even minimally) human. This will never end until I can defeat that.

It isn't hard for me to trace my shame at all. All I have to do is remember my Dad staring at me, saying something destructive and hurtful, telling himself all along, I am sure, that I deserved it, or that it was something I had to know, etc. He had this awful stare, the way people do when they are being hurtful but at the same time want to distance themselves from their behavior. The hateful, distancing stare, and then the looking away, to dismiss me. What I wish is that he had held me and stroked me, adored me, told me good things about myself. He couldn't do that. And his hatred spread itself, like a virus. That's what haunts me; the blank stare, that even now my mother gives me, and the hollow, penetrating, aching words. And I repeat it myself. That is what is so horrible. I know I should break the chain, yet my hurt wants words, wants action, wants revenge. Because, at the feeling level (but not at the thinking level) I think that that is how I can reclaim myself. Temporarily, it feels good. But what I should really do is reclaim my power by healing acts. I should face my mother calmly, and tell her that I appreciate her concern, and that it is very thoughtful of her to offer me powder (my nose is too shiny), and that I think I look just fine. That would be triumph. She never knows how to react to my strength; my self-affirmation (which I show her, because I show myself, too rarely).

I guess I'm caught in the conundrum that is the result of abuse from another. You're rendered unwilling to fight your way out.

I don't want to discount the positive anymore. I want to embrace it -- to live it. These are just words now, but if I continue to pronounce them...

If I can learn to be unhealthy, I can unlearn it. If I can learn how to hate myself, and to be ashamed, and to doubt myself, and to expect disappointment and failure and to discount myself, I can learn the antithesis. I can learn love and belonging and fulfillment. Even if I don't really believe any of this yet.

None of the rest of it is valid until I do this. This work. Not the other things. This has to come first. And I have to believe that. If I remind myself everyday, it will come true. Healing begins with me. Solving injustice starts with healing the spirit. Healthy people don't wish harm unto others.

So when I say "complacency," I mean confronting the hurt within ourselves. That's the revolution from within. The power to bring peace and prosperity to all of us. Maybe you're not ready to hear it yet. Maybe I have to do more to bring the message to you. Maybe I have to come out from behind my wall. Every small step, the slightest action that is in the right direction has enormous potential, and speaks very loudly.

Remember how you felt when you fell in love? The potential; the omnipotence, the faith in happiness and good everlasting. That all things were possible. That's what we have to hold onto, because the cynicism will wait in the corner for us. You have to work at it though; it doesn't come for free. It's a fight worth waging.

Don't get corrupted. You don't need leaders; you can do it yourself. We all have so much power. It just gets lost from time to time.

That'll do, Pig.