Continued Indecision

You guessed it, dear anonymous (and mythical) blog audience. I have insomnia again. I started on my Final Project, but my back hurt too much and I felt too tired and frustrated to finish. I still feel good about the class -- I'm getting a lot of articles on my topic, which makes me feel validated. Plus, the first article that I came up with and annotated validated my beliefs at work about the proper role of QA.

Still, I wanted to go out and get some chips (ended up buying a pizza, instead), and I am increasingly worried about when I get things seriously underway, when I will have to devote three hours every single day to classes. I don't know. I try to stay positive about it. But I still say that we go through so much crap with so little substantive reward.

So, I have the bottle placed on my dresser. I was about to take a dose the other day, but I worried about the potential drowsiness, since I was on a two-day insomnia jag. So I decided to postpone until tonight. Then I was feeling so positive after the paper sale that I remembered that there is only one real way to deal with feeling depressed. Now I'm not so sure.

I still want the same thing; you know? As ashamed as I feel for wanting it.

Okay, now I want to start the meds. My instinct to start at night (although I slept well last night) was probably sound. But I'll get cold feet again by tonight.

At least try it, and see what happens.

What if I'm not supposed to be here? What if I was a colossal mistake? How would I know? What's the check?

Well...I was a mistake. My mother has essentially allowed as much to me (supposedly they were using a condom when I was conceived -- she told me this when I was in eight grade, discussing my sex education class with her. People who have children, but don't know how to parent. Don't get me started).

Maybe I just need more courage than I have. Maybe things are getting better, and I don't even realize it.

But you know what -- things aren't better. They have never gotten better. They have only got worse. It's not that I'm not trying, because I am trying.

Maybe I'll just take these pills and see what happens. At least I'll have the victory of saying, "See, I told you so." That would be cool.