Penis Envy

Am I the only one who gets a guilty thrill from insurgency/terrorism? I saw a pic of Hamas guards in the process of taking over a Fatah office, and one guy was in a black vest, very stern looking. Good forearms. The rest were standing alert, ready for action. Way to go! I'm by turns horrified, and enamored of Hamas. Let's face it; we're all suckers for quick, decisive action. We're just hypocritical about who can carry it out violently, and who can't.

Once one embraces the notion of the virtuous warrior, how can one discriminate about which side to support? It's illogical. Why for one minute should the Iraqis (and Iranians, and Afghans, etc.) lay down and take what we're doing? We'd never respect them. We never respect anybody. We coerce, we exploit them. But respect is something we really never understand.

It all comes down to original sin. Some of us suffer its effects more than others of us. If we're not decimated by it, we have to try to defeat it. I think it is really that simple.

And yes -- I am here equating the male organ with sin.

You can't tame the human spirit through intimidation. What the terrorists have is powerful stuff. They are appropriating everything we sell in this culture about acting from your gut and obtaining instant gratification.

I want some, too.

Impulsive self growth

I did a good thing today, apparently (according to my new therapist). I acted in such a way as to deviate from my previous dysfunctionality. At the time, I did not think that much of it, and in fact debated it as rash and unhealthy. Turns out that it was a positive act, spurred by some deeply-buried instinct of self-nurture and esteem.

Maybe I'm finally healing. I heeded a small but ultimately triumphant voice of reason and conviction.

It sounds like something I would have planned and forced myself to do, and instead it happened almost by accident. I just knew that I was angry at what was being done to me. I have been stuck in deliberation for all of my life, and where has it got me?

Just act. Your gut knows what is just, if you are basically moral. And staying moral is really not that hard. Don't hurt anybody for personal gain. Don't take more than you need.

I'm still afraid at what I did, because I also had to sacrifice something (I feel). Maybe it is okay. I love being in love. But I couldn't continue to allow myself to be led. I had to act to regain control of the situation. "If you really care about me, this is what you will be willing to do. Otherwise, I don't need it."

Men always think they have to avoid temporary pain like the plague. They have no appreciation for the long haul. Why is that?

Never let men get the upper hand. They rarely prove themselves worthy.

So I'm glad I started this: I'm going to have plenty to say. I resolve to allow myself to ramble. My voice is important, also.

I had a close call (again).