The Abuser I Knew

Isn't all of the tribute to What's-His-Face Benoit touching? "Such a great guy." A friend of the cop who killed his girlfriend in Ohio and hid her body told People Magazine that "the Chris I knew" was a great guy. The problem I had with my abuser was that everyone thought he was so great. These guys go around charming the pants off of everyone, because they desperately want love. So their victims (and there was a long history in the Benoit relationship foreshadowing this) face an uphill battle in getting anyone to validate their reality when they try to make the break. Most victims would like the help of others to get their partner to stop abusing, so that the relationship doesn't necessarily have to end. I know that that was always my stance. A fat lot of good it does, though. Generally what you (the victim) get from others when you seek their moral support is a lot of condescension and criticism. The abuser receives very little in the way of negative reaction, and usually gets a lot of sympathy because his girlfriend has the temerity to take their "problems" outside of the relationship.

I myself was in love with the W__ I saw outside of our home. He was a great guy whenever we were around others, because then he was on stage. The performance ended when he walked in the door of our apartment (or of wherever we/I happened to live). There was always an interesting transformation that took place when the phone rang during an argument. Often he would hesitate before answering (I always resented the intrusion while I was trying to gain a negotiating position with him, especially because most of the few phone calls we received were for him). But once he picked up, he never failed to hide the snarling tone I had moments before been subjected to. I would silently will him at these times to slip up. It's the phoniness I think that I resent more than anything. At least my father would periodically have his outburts with strangers and others outside of the home. He was consistent, and didn't try to make us think we were crazy (I guess that's the inherent dilemma with an abuser who has a high IQ :) ). Usually it would be his mother, and instantly his voice would assume meakness and deference. I have heard that many people spew anger toward their intimate partner that they harbor toward their parent. I definitely made it safe for him to mistreat me. In a sick way, I think that was my way of showing love; showing both of us that I was strong and generous enough to take it. But the problem is that you expect something back; you don't do that for free.

My cousin B____ always asks whether I've heard from him. I always tell him no, to which he responds heartily "Good!" This hurts me. I spent five years of my life giving W__ my heart and soul, just as I spent all of my other relationships giving much more than I received (certainly emotionally). Obviously being stalked and pursued by someone dangerous would be awful, but it is just as dizzying to have no contact whatsoever; as if it never happened, or that one or the other of us has fallen off the face of the earth.

I have spent very little time lately thinking about him, and I am not sure how I feel about that. It's good that I'm not ruminating -- I've actually spent very little time in rumination since leaving the relationship for good -- but the cost is that I seem to have short-circuited all of my emotions. My therapist urged me to resume a support group for battered women, which I am going to do. I definitely haven't done enough healing work. This relationship was an anomaly (compared to past relationships) only in that I left him, rather than vice-versa. I guess that's the real humiliation.

I have to learn to practice good self-care, assuming I can figure out what that is. That's my job now.

Still, I know I'll feel very empty until I start a new relationship, as nervous as I am about one. I don't seem able to sustain platonic friendships. Those frighten me almost as much as romantic relationships do. Why is it so easy for everyone else? What chip am I missing? Can I order it somewhere? :)

At least I'm still alive and un-maimed to do all of this figuring out. I was immobilized by my boyfriend and had my breathing cut off also (like Mrs. Benoit), although only for a few seconds, and I wasn't tied up. I might understand if you didn't like what someone had just said to you, and if you were prone to physical aggression, perhaps covering someone's mouth. But he made sure that I couldn't breathe, and that's what's hard to understand. I mean, I'm mad too. My feelings and experience (and life) are no less important than anyone else's. I'm already one-down in the relationship, by virtue of the larger sacrifices I have had to make on a daily basis. And now I am not asking for much. I'm placed myself through the upheaval of relocating, and need just a little cooperation at this point, so that I can keep myself whole. All I wanted to do was love you. All I ever wanted in return was love. How does it come to this? Why don't I count?